Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Chemo blues

I don't want it, I am not brave about it. It feels like the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, same difference. I have been well and I will be sick; I have looked the same and I will look pale and bald. It is poison, it doesn't work well for leiomyosarcoma. I will have to go into hospital every three weeks and it will be vile. Sickening, weakening, forgetting, raving, heart stiffening. Mrs Rochester is escaping and getting through the barriers; she will be prowling the hospital corridors and screaming in the dark.

It's a change I don't want any more than I want cancer, sarcoma, soft tissue mayhem; they go together like a horse and carriage, love and marriage. No going back; it has to be done and Grace Poole will calm me down no doubt; and it will be a brave smile for the world and God knows what to follow.

To lighten the mood a little ditty:

Bugger off
Itchy cough

Wait till I'm older
Frozen shoulder

On your bike
Take a hike
Off you go
Key ee mo
Ley ee oh


  1. send me your addy so I can send you some cheer from the other side of the Big Pond. :) I think my email addy is located on my blog profile. Hang in there and let it do it's dirty magic and watch lots of movies if you can........do something wonderful for yourself each day, even if it is an episode of some program you love...I am fixated on The Tudors right now... patti

  2. Which chemo are you getting? Taxotere?

  3. Hi Patti and Karen, Patti thanks for the really good advice I am very good at giving myself treats and will think of some very indulgant ideas; read your profile and we share a love of the same books and films. Not surprised you like the Tudors its that smouldering Henry isn't it!. Have you read Wolf Hall, won our big book prize this year and its fantastic - all about Thomas Cromwell who comes out as a good guy!

    Tried to email you but my computer wouldnt play ball my email is jtrainor@health-links.co.uk

    Karen - I think we have different names for these things but its the Dox/Ifos combination I am having and I think its the Ifos one that means I have to have a two day hospital stay every three weeks as it takes 24-36 hours per infusion - lovely!